procrastination

ok so here i am writing a blog so that i dont have to write a stupid college essay. I am literally out of things to do to keep me busy. so here i am.
firstly i went to the doctor today for the firstime time all year, had to get some blood work done and i wont know whats wrong untill wednesday.. hopefully nothing serious. i had blast this weekend, got to see and spend time with my friends, alex turned fourteen..where have the years gone. but i had a blast even if i didn't get to see her for very long.

So pretty soon i have to start making decisions about college.. not looking forward to crossing that bridge. I want to go off to college really badly and i know it will be a whole lot to take in but i feel if i dont get out now then i never will. then theres dad, who isn't gonna make my decision any easier. he wants me to live with hi while i go to ac or milan. and hes pretty dead set on it. god knows i love him, i jost dont want to be stuck here. Im already having a difficult time of living here and its only been a couple of months..
well i have an essay to write so im done here

august

ok well i dont really have a set toppic to rant about for this post so here goes. Schools starting up in like two weeks, yikes. i get to do it all over again. new school, new teachers, new people. cant wait to get on that mental rollercoaster. witch leads me to the next thing..i have no idea where my summer went. i had places to go and friends to visit and somehow here i am in august with nothing done. So i guess i gotta get on the ball n actually go do the shit i need to before its too late n i get busy being a senior. eesh. Also i get to live with 5 new people.. ya. appaerntly my dads ex girlfriend and her four kids are moving in (and soon) and so wallah. house of 9. And im not saying its gonna be bad or anything.. i know we need help with payments and all and they need help and a house and everyone wins.. that kind of stuff but damn...9. Oh well just gotta roll with the punches. it should make for an interesting year anyhow. well heres to hopin i get done all i need to get done.

So I was just introduced to woman number three in my dads life. Yay me. It never seems like theres ever a break between his girlfriends in fact they oftenover lap...everytime. Im happy hes finding new people but with each girl it seems things move quicker n quicker. Not to mention the girls are gettingyounger, or maybe thats just my imagination getting away with me. Im just really tired of trying to accept these women only to see them leave two days later. I guess im done bitching.

Ok so it has definitely been a while since i've wrote but here i am back again. 

i find myself stuck between and rock and a hard place... once again.

Im not even worried about sounding whiney because I've been holding this in for a while. It's time to let it go. 

First I find myself, once again, distant from my friends. i know its not all their fault either but i have been trying. First Maggie, i love you dear but i don't know what I need to do to keep you happy. It seems like your always pissed at one thing or another. I know life blows but you can't let every little thing get you down. Secondly Sarah. I know you and Shane broke up and haven't been having the easiest time in the past couple of months, but i am not my brother. So please stop taking all your frustration with him out on me. And i know we argue al ot, but most of the time I'm kidden so don't take everything to heart. I love both of you guys i'm just trying to deal. 

 Next is my mother. I realize we don't talk, and that you don't like who i am or what i do, but you still had me. and i think that entitles you to some financial responsibility. So quit buying 40 inch plasma screen tv's outdoor swimming pools, and new houses and pay some child support for once. you and your new husband both work at a power plant for christ sake don't tell me you don't make enough money to help your children. I see the shit you get shane. 

Lastly is my living situation. I love where i'm at and who i'm with. but i'm being selfish. While i'm happy with my own little adopted family i see my real family struggle evermore. I realize your gone a lot dad, i know your job sucks on hours. but a little less time with your gfs and a little more time at home wont hurt. I don't want to watch the same thing that happened to mom happen to you. And Chase, grow up and take responsibility. your not helping anyone by failing your classes and playing video games non stop. i know your not dumb you just need to get a little motivation, and i hope you get it fast. Shane I know its hard trying to keep dad happy and chase in line,,, trust me i know. but you have to watch your own shit too. we are too far along in our high school career to backslide now. I know your not happy where you are and yes i miss groom to, but really hamas. It's not the smartest idea you've had. So what can i do, stay where i am and watch my family fall apart, is it my responsibilty to keep it together. if not then who is responsible. 

thats about it i feel a little better now

book

I wrote my first book.
It is full of my poetry I've written over the past year or so. 
So yall should get yourself a copy of The Product of a Rusty Pencil!!!!







support the poor
(& aspiring)

clinicals

wide eyes stare  dull

not brilliant flame

or sudden spark

no life to live past the motions

hands shake evermore

uncontrollable shrieks

no reality

nothing to keep hold of

no love behind the smile

a small reassurance 

a face of lies

lips pulled up from pity

hearts shatter

feet slip

nothing for yourself

time begins to turn on  you

car crash

Ok so i got in a wreck the other day an damn. 

I don't recommend it to anyone..lol

such a rush, sound lights pain!

and then the sudden realization

it all comes crashing down on you so fast

beating on the steering wheel

image after image of my ohh so bleak near future

stupid pink tracker coming of nowhere

no flinching, no tensing

just impact

warm tears met by the cold wind

people everywhere

sounds everywhere 

tears and glass

burnt tires met with bent metal

question after question

ticket after ticket

saved by the superman from geico

and dearly needed embraces

and now i wait