Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Ok so my dad filed for custody of my brothers and I today, and I feel a very rough a rocky part of my life coming on. I admit I'm a bit afraid. Afraid of the money thats going to be fought over, and the guilt trips shell take me through, but most of all afraid of losing someone. With such fragile ties I really don't think it will take much to send our entire broken family into a spiraling downward fall. This might just be the thing that does it too. Also i just found out that my mother took out a loan to buy a house in town... i can just see the expectations rising, weekend visits are a maybe. I know I sound like the worlds worst daughter, but emotionally and mentally I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle her that much. Even if I know her tears and sobs and screams of agony are wrongly placed, I still see the pain in her eyes. I know its my fault that she's like this, so broken and twisted on the inside. I just don't know what to do to fix it. I don't even know that it can be fixed. I just don't want to break down on the inside anymore when I see her. or talk to her on the phone, or pass her name in my contacts, or go through one our devastating conversations in my head, but worst of all when i wake up in the middle of the night from my never ending and reoccuring nightmare. I just want to feel whole again.