procrastination

ok so here i am writing a blog so that i dont have to write a stupid college essay. I am literally out of things to do to keep me busy. so here i am.
firstly i went to the doctor today for the firstime time all year, had to get some blood work done and i wont know whats wrong untill wednesday.. hopefully nothing serious. i had blast this weekend, got to see and spend time with my friends, alex turned fourteen..where have the years gone. but i had a blast even if i didn't get to see her for very long.

So pretty soon i have to start making decisions about college.. not looking forward to crossing that bridge. I want to go off to college really badly and i know it will be a whole lot to take in but i feel if i dont get out now then i never will. then theres dad, who isn't gonna make my decision any easier. he wants me to live with hi while i go to ac or milan. and hes pretty dead set on it. god knows i love him, i jost dont want to be stuck here. Im already having a difficult time of living here and its only been a couple of months..
well i have an essay to write so im done here

august

ok well i dont really have a set toppic to rant about for this post so here goes. Schools starting up in like two weeks, yikes. i get to do it all over again. new school, new teachers, new people. cant wait to get on that mental rollercoaster. witch leads me to the next thing..i have no idea where my summer went. i had places to go and friends to visit and somehow here i am in august with nothing done. So i guess i gotta get on the ball n actually go do the shit i need to before its too late n i get busy being a senior. eesh. Also i get to live with 5 new people.. ya. appaerntly my dads ex girlfriend and her four kids are moving in (and soon) and so wallah. house of 9. And im not saying its gonna be bad or anything.. i know we need help with payments and all and they need help and a house and everyone wins.. that kind of stuff but damn...9. Oh well just gotta roll with the punches. it should make for an interesting year anyhow. well heres to hopin i get done all i need to get done.

So I was just introduced to woman number three in my dads life. Yay me. It never seems like theres ever a break between his girlfriends in fact they oftenover lap...everytime. Im happy hes finding new people but with each girl it seems things move quicker n quicker. Not to mention the girls are gettingyounger, or maybe thats just my imagination getting away with me. Im just really tired of trying to accept these women only to see them leave two days later. I guess im done bitching.

Ok so it has definitely been a while since i've wrote but here i am back again. 

i find myself stuck between and rock and a hard place... once again.

Im not even worried about sounding whiney because I've been holding this in for a while. It's time to let it go. 

First I find myself, once again, distant from my friends. i know its not all their fault either but i have been trying. First Maggie, i love you dear but i don't know what I need to do to keep you happy. It seems like your always pissed at one thing or another. I know life blows but you can't let every little thing get you down. Secondly Sarah. I know you and Shane broke up and haven't been having the easiest time in the past couple of months, but i am not my brother. So please stop taking all your frustration with him out on me. And i know we argue al ot, but most of the time I'm kidden so don't take everything to heart. I love both of you guys i'm just trying to deal. 

 Next is my mother. I realize we don't talk, and that you don't like who i am or what i do, but you still had me. and i think that entitles you to some financial responsibility. So quit buying 40 inch plasma screen tv's outdoor swimming pools, and new houses and pay some child support for once. you and your new husband both work at a power plant for christ sake don't tell me you don't make enough money to help your children. I see the shit you get shane. 

Lastly is my living situation. I love where i'm at and who i'm with. but i'm being selfish. While i'm happy with my own little adopted family i see my real family struggle evermore. I realize your gone a lot dad, i know your job sucks on hours. but a little less time with your gfs and a little more time at home wont hurt. I don't want to watch the same thing that happened to mom happen to you. And Chase, grow up and take responsibility. your not helping anyone by failing your classes and playing video games non stop. i know your not dumb you just need to get a little motivation, and i hope you get it fast. Shane I know its hard trying to keep dad happy and chase in line,,, trust me i know. but you have to watch your own shit too. we are too far along in our high school career to backslide now. I know your not happy where you are and yes i miss groom to, but really hamas. It's not the smartest idea you've had. So what can i do, stay where i am and watch my family fall apart, is it my responsibilty to keep it together. if not then who is responsible. 

thats about it i feel a little better now

book

I wrote my first book.
It is full of my poetry I've written over the past year or so. 
So yall should get yourself a copy of The Product of a Rusty Pencil!!!!







support the poor
(& aspiring)

clinicals

wide eyes stare  dull

not brilliant flame

or sudden spark

no life to live past the motions

hands shake evermore

uncontrollable shrieks

no reality

nothing to keep hold of

no love behind the smile

a small reassurance 

a face of lies

lips pulled up from pity

hearts shatter

feet slip

nothing for yourself

time begins to turn on  you

car crash

Ok so i got in a wreck the other day an damn. 

I don't recommend it to anyone..lol

such a rush, sound lights pain!

and then the sudden realization

it all comes crashing down on you so fast

beating on the steering wheel

image after image of my ohh so bleak near future

stupid pink tracker coming of nowhere

no flinching, no tensing

just impact

warm tears met by the cold wind

people everywhere

sounds everywhere 

tears and glass

burnt tires met with bent metal

question after question

ticket after ticket

saved by the superman from geico

and dearly needed embraces

and now i wait

fragile

So after a very long and upsetting today I was reminded once again how fragile everything really is. How fragile my life is and everything in it. 

To think that something so small and innocent could just ruin everything i have going right now is just a little bit frightening. I watch things fall apart around me constantly and am slowly coming to realize that maybe Im the reason for it all. It seemed silly at first, but now I'm just not that sure anymore. 

In fact I'm not sure about anything anymore, for instance how healthy i am for the people around me, or even for myself. I'm seeming more and more poisonous everyday, polluting the very atmosphere around me.

moments of insanity

Earlier today I was talking with my Dad about what he usually wants to talk to me about, the insanity of my mother. But while I was listening to him tell me a story that he has probably already told me four times before, I realized how close we all are to insanity. Maybe I'm already there, I fell like I've gone insane sometimes, or maybe I just straddle the line jumping back and forth now and then. 

Thinking about all this reminds of a thanksgiving about four or so years back, I was probably around thirteen or twelve. Anyways, it was thanksgiving and My mother Shane, Chase, and I were getting ready to eat at one of our family members house. Shane and Chase were fighting as usual, but something about this fight just really set my mother off. Sitting on the edge of the couch like I usually do, I just remember her screaming and crying at everything and nothing at the same time, all the while holding her head as if it were going to fly off at any moment. (and when I say screaming i don't mean shouting or yelling, she was shrieking) Anyways, here I was watching my mother completely lose it, trying to keep up with all the noise when I found myself staring at an open door. Yea she left. Just ran out and left us after a very mortifying game of charades. As I sit starring at that door, watching the curtain swing back and forth another quite frightening noise interrupts my train of though. I turn to see Shane scream in fear, yelling over and over just like a broken record that she ran away. Nothing has hurt me before or since more than the look of torment on my brothers face that I saw then.

To think that one fight could set someone off like that, a frenzy fit that scarred everyone that witnessed. It really puts it into perspective just how close we all are from losing it. I lost it that day, I'm not sure that I've ever got it back since then either. It feels like I fell apart once and was to hasty and impatient to really put myself back together correctly. As if I'm held together by cheap scotch tape and Elmer's Glue, and I'll never be able to get my hands on some substantial band aids, or duck tape, or even bailing wire. The only time I feel that I'm not going to fall apart is when I feel the strength and security of my friends love holding me together.

Family

What is Family. What makes a Family. Biologically the Dictionary defines it as a group of objects united by a significant shared characteristic, and the common definition is a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household. Personally I would have to agree the the first definition. 

Today families are broken, twisted, and painful. It is expected of you to love everyone in your family without any questions, no matter what. I would have to disagree, and yes I may be a bit biased considering the family i have and am around but even so, I think friendship is a much more stronger bond than family. With friends you have the choice of loving someone for all they are and all they do, and I see that to better the strength of a family, in which you have absolutely no choice in the matter. 

I am soo soo very sick of the saying family is all you've got. If family is all I had than I'd end up with two dollars and a pile of shit in my hand. It seems I've chosen my friends way better than whoever chose my family. My friends are my family and mean more to me than alot of people I am related to. I just believe that if you love someone enough than blood and marriage really shouldn't define your "family." 

I guess what I'm saying is the word family has really lost its power on me considering all i've gone through. What matters is who still loves you at the end of the day.

Here It Comes

Ok so my dad filed for custody of my brothers and I today, and I feel a very rough a rocky part of my life coming on. I admit I'm a bit afraid. Afraid of the money thats going to be fought over, and the guilt trips shell take me through, but most of all afraid of losing someone. With such fragile ties I really don't think it will take much to send our entire broken family into a spiraling downward fall. This might just be the thing that does it too. Also i just found out that my mother took out a loan to buy a house in town... i can just see the expectations rising, weekend visits are a maybe. I know I sound like the worlds worst daughter, but emotionally and mentally I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle her that much. Even if I know her tears and sobs and screams of agony are wrongly placed, I still see the pain in her eyes. I know its my fault that she's like this, so broken and twisted on the inside. I just don't know what to do to fix it. I don't even know that it can be fixed. I just don't want to break down on the inside anymore when I see her. or talk to her on the phone, or pass her name in my contacts, or go through one our devastating conversations in my head, but worst of all when i wake up in the middle of the night from my never ending and reoccuring nightmare. I just want to feel whole again. 

ughh still sick

Ok so I've been sick for a while now, four days to be exact, and quite frankly I am sick of being sick. Im not really sure if its my tiny build or just the chemicals in my body, but medication doesn't do anything but trip me out. So after four days of being loopy and breathing through nothing but my mouth I've decided to let all yall in on my misery. [and yes i know the term 'all yall' is grammatically incorrect in so many ways but this is my blog so you'll just have to deal with it]

I never realized how essential nose breathing is until I tried to eat. The better the food is the worse it makes the situation. All I wanted to do was enjoy and savor my ooh so yummy Gyro all the while suffocating with each bite. I just want to enjoy my stupid Gyro, is it to much to ask.

Anyways I'll get over my Gyro rampage, I just wish I didn't feel so much like Eli Manning, just standing there all breathing with my mouth open like an idiot uughh.

Well I'm done with my first blog, sure its not great, but who cares. Peace, I'm off to get some rest.