Friday, January 30, 2009

moments of insanity

Earlier today I was talking with my Dad about what he usually wants to talk to me about, the insanity of my mother. But while I was listening to him tell me a story that he has probably already told me four times before, I realized how close we all are to insanity. Maybe I'm already there, I fell like I've gone insane sometimes, or maybe I just straddle the line jumping back and forth now and then. 

Thinking about all this reminds of a thanksgiving about four or so years back, I was probably around thirteen or twelve. Anyways, it was thanksgiving and My mother Shane, Chase, and I were getting ready to eat at one of our family members house. Shane and Chase were fighting as usual, but something about this fight just really set my mother off. Sitting on the edge of the couch like I usually do, I just remember her screaming and crying at everything and nothing at the same time, all the while holding her head as if it were going to fly off at any moment. (and when I say screaming i don't mean shouting or yelling, she was shrieking) Anyways, here I was watching my mother completely lose it, trying to keep up with all the noise when I found myself staring at an open door. Yea she left. Just ran out and left us after a very mortifying game of charades. As I sit starring at that door, watching the curtain swing back and forth another quite frightening noise interrupts my train of though. I turn to see Shane scream in fear, yelling over and over just like a broken record that she ran away. Nothing has hurt me before or since more than the look of torment on my brothers face that I saw then.

To think that one fight could set someone off like that, a frenzy fit that scarred everyone that witnessed. It really puts it into perspective just how close we all are from losing it. I lost it that day, I'm not sure that I've ever got it back since then either. It feels like I fell apart once and was to hasty and impatient to really put myself back together correctly. As if I'm held together by cheap scotch tape and Elmer's Glue, and I'll never be able to get my hands on some substantial band aids, or duck tape, or even bailing wire. The only time I feel that I'm not going to fall apart is when I feel the strength and security of my friends love holding me together.

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