Friday, January 30, 2009

moments of insanity

Earlier today I was talking with my Dad about what he usually wants to talk to me about, the insanity of my mother. But while I was listening to him tell me a story that he has probably already told me four times before, I realized how close we all are to insanity. Maybe I'm already there, I fell like I've gone insane sometimes, or maybe I just straddle the line jumping back and forth now and then. 

Thinking about all this reminds of a thanksgiving about four or so years back, I was probably around thirteen or twelve. Anyways, it was thanksgiving and My mother Shane, Chase, and I were getting ready to eat at one of our family members house. Shane and Chase were fighting as usual, but something about this fight just really set my mother off. Sitting on the edge of the couch like I usually do, I just remember her screaming and crying at everything and nothing at the same time, all the while holding her head as if it were going to fly off at any moment. (and when I say screaming i don't mean shouting or yelling, she was shrieking) Anyways, here I was watching my mother completely lose it, trying to keep up with all the noise when I found myself staring at an open door. Yea she left. Just ran out and left us after a very mortifying game of charades. As I sit starring at that door, watching the curtain swing back and forth another quite frightening noise interrupts my train of though. I turn to see Shane scream in fear, yelling over and over just like a broken record that she ran away. Nothing has hurt me before or since more than the look of torment on my brothers face that I saw then.

To think that one fight could set someone off like that, a frenzy fit that scarred everyone that witnessed. It really puts it into perspective just how close we all are from losing it. I lost it that day, I'm not sure that I've ever got it back since then either. It feels like I fell apart once and was to hasty and impatient to really put myself back together correctly. As if I'm held together by cheap scotch tape and Elmer's Glue, and I'll never be able to get my hands on some substantial band aids, or duck tape, or even bailing wire. The only time I feel that I'm not going to fall apart is when I feel the strength and security of my friends love holding me together.


What is Family. What makes a Family. Biologically the Dictionary defines it as a group of objects united by a significant shared characteristic, and the common definition is a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household. Personally I would have to agree the the first definition. 

Today families are broken, twisted, and painful. It is expected of you to love everyone in your family without any questions, no matter what. I would have to disagree, and yes I may be a bit biased considering the family i have and am around but even so, I think friendship is a much more stronger bond than family. With friends you have the choice of loving someone for all they are and all they do, and I see that to better the strength of a family, in which you have absolutely no choice in the matter. 

I am soo soo very sick of the saying family is all you've got. If family is all I had than I'd end up with two dollars and a pile of shit in my hand. It seems I've chosen my friends way better than whoever chose my family. My friends are my family and mean more to me than alot of people I am related to. I just believe that if you love someone enough than blood and marriage really shouldn't define your "family." 

I guess what I'm saying is the word family has really lost its power on me considering all i've gone through. What matters is who still loves you at the end of the day.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Here It Comes

Ok so my dad filed for custody of my brothers and I today, and I feel a very rough a rocky part of my life coming on. I admit I'm a bit afraid. Afraid of the money thats going to be fought over, and the guilt trips shell take me through, but most of all afraid of losing someone. With such fragile ties I really don't think it will take much to send our entire broken family into a spiraling downward fall. This might just be the thing that does it too. Also i just found out that my mother took out a loan to buy a house in town... i can just see the expectations rising, weekend visits are a maybe. I know I sound like the worlds worst daughter, but emotionally and mentally I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle her that much. Even if I know her tears and sobs and screams of agony are wrongly placed, I still see the pain in her eyes. I know its my fault that she's like this, so broken and twisted on the inside. I just don't know what to do to fix it. I don't even know that it can be fixed. I just don't want to break down on the inside anymore when I see her. or talk to her on the phone, or pass her name in my contacts, or go through one our devastating conversations in my head, but worst of all when i wake up in the middle of the night from my never ending and reoccuring nightmare. I just want to feel whole again. 

Friday, January 23, 2009

ughh still sick

Ok so I've been sick for a while now, four days to be exact, and quite frankly I am sick of being sick. Im not really sure if its my tiny build or just the chemicals in my body, but medication doesn't do anything but trip me out. So after four days of being loopy and breathing through nothing but my mouth I've decided to let all yall in on my misery. [and yes i know the term 'all yall' is grammatically incorrect in so many ways but this is my blog so you'll just have to deal with it]
I never realized how essential nose breathing is until I tried to eat. The better the food is the worse it makes the situation. All I wanted to do was enjoy and savor my ooh so yummy Gyro all the while suffocating with each bite. I just want to enjoy my stupid Gyro, is it to much to ask.
Anyways I'll get over my Gyro rampage, I just wish I didn't feel so much like Eli Manning, just standing there all breathing with my mouth open like an idiot uughh.
Well I'm done with my first blog, sure its not great, but who cares. Peace, I'm off to get some rest.