Friday, January 30, 2009

moments of insanity

Earlier today I was talking with my Dad about what he usually wants to talk to me about, the insanity of my mother. But while I was listening to him tell me a story that he has probably already told me four times before, I realized how close we all are to insanity. Maybe I'm already there, I fell like I've gone insane sometimes, or maybe I just straddle the line jumping back and forth now and then. 

Thinking about all this reminds of a thanksgiving about four or so years back, I was probably around thirteen or twelve. Anyways, it was thanksgiving and My mother Shane, Chase, and I were getting ready to eat at one of our family members house. Shane and Chase were fighting as usual, but something about this fight just really set my mother off. Sitting on the edge of the couch like I usually do, I just remember her screaming and crying at everything and nothing at the same time, all the while holding her head as if it were going to fly off at any moment. (and when I say screaming i don't mean shouting or yelling, she was shrieking) Anyways, here I was watching my mother completely lose it, trying to keep up with all the noise when I found myself staring at an open door. Yea she left. Just ran out and left us after a very mortifying game of charades. As I sit starring at that door, watching the curtain swing back and forth another quite frightening noise interrupts my train of though. I turn to see Shane scream in fear, yelling over and over just like a broken record that she ran away. Nothing has hurt me before or since more than the look of torment on my brothers face that I saw then.

To think that one fight could set someone off like that, a frenzy fit that scarred everyone that witnessed. It really puts it into perspective just how close we all are from losing it. I lost it that day, I'm not sure that I've ever got it back since then either. It feels like I fell apart once and was to hasty and impatient to really put myself back together correctly. As if I'm held together by cheap scotch tape and Elmer's Glue, and I'll never be able to get my hands on some substantial band aids, or duck tape, or even bailing wire. The only time I feel that I'm not going to fall apart is when I feel the strength and security of my friends love holding me together.


What is Family. What makes a Family. Biologically the Dictionary defines it as a group of objects united by a significant shared characteristic, and the common definition is a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household. Personally I would have to agree the the first definition. 

Today families are broken, twisted, and painful. It is expected of you to love everyone in your family without any questions, no matter what. I would have to disagree, and yes I may be a bit biased considering the family i have and am around but even so, I think friendship is a much more stronger bond than family. With friends you have the choice of loving someone for all they are and all they do, and I see that to better the strength of a family, in which you have absolutely no choice in the matter. 

I am soo soo very sick of the saying family is all you've got. If family is all I had than I'd end up with two dollars and a pile of shit in my hand. It seems I've chosen my friends way better than whoever chose my family. My friends are my family and mean more to me than alot of people I am related to. I just believe that if you love someone enough than blood and marriage really shouldn't define your "family." 

I guess what I'm saying is the word family has really lost its power on me considering all i've gone through. What matters is who still loves you at the end of the day.